Will at 3 months!

12 weeks. Or three months. I'll start trying to call Will's age by months instead of weeks now! It's the official threshold - from newborn to infant. But he's been less newbornish for about a month now. He's grown quite a bit. He's quite the little chubbarub. And he's been so much more alert - there's so much knowing in his eyes as he looks at me and looks around at the world around him.

He's just now started reaching for toys, although unsuccessful most of the time. He is obsessed with gnawing on his fist and fingers, although it seems to frustrate him, he just keeps at it. He smiles - a lot - and it's still the most amazing thing when he smiles at me.

No, he doesn't "sleep through the night" - and not to be rude, but please no one ever ask me that question again! ;-) Hahaha. It just seems to be the perennial question about babies, as if somehow it is of critical importance. And the implication seems to be "sleep through the night = good" and "not sleep through the night = bad". That feels much too outcome-focused, much too polarized to me. But I don't really feel like I or Will have anything to be ashamed of. We both get the sleep we need. It's all good. It will happen when it happens and there's no need to obsess on it.

I feel light years different than I did the first month of his life. I've healed from the birth that didn't go to plan and the rocky start of the early days - they are distant memories, instead of dark shadows. I've started getting my mojo back and getting a feel for this motherhood gig. But before I go sounding too darn smug, I will admit there are bumps in the road. There are off days, plenty of them, when naps don't go as planned, when I am exhausted nursing in the middle of the night, when I feel overwhelmed with the sheer 24-7 responsibility of it all and there are times I am just suddenly maxed out and dying for a bubble bath, a book and a glass of vino.

And while I'm getting a grip on motherhood, most days all I can manage is handling Will, a tidy up of the house, a load of laundry,  maybe a workout, and cooking dinner. I sometimes feel inadequate or not as prolific as some other women who seem to have projects and outings, tromping around the world with a baby in a sling and not a drop of sweat on their face.  I have a hard time going out and getting out a lot. I live by Will's schedule most days, not wanting to interrupt his precious nap times, because those are the times when I recharge and gather myself. When I compare myself to other women who get out and do all sorts of things I'm too chicken or lazy to do... well, I feel a bit lesser than. But this is just me as a mom, who I am, and I'm trying to accept that too instead of trying to be someone else.