Vulnerable openness

This is me, holding my new nephew.  We are a relatively small family and a new member of our colorful clan has such special meaning.  I'm so thrilled he's finally here and so happy for my brother and sister in law and proud of them because I know they will be wonderful parents.

The birth of my nephew fills me with such a crazy love and an ache at the same time, an ache to hold a child of my own.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't.  This is the maybe-ness of maybe motherhood.  I still hope.  And that hope is precarious. I may stumble and fall into a valley of disappointment. Or perhaps the thing I've long been hoping for will come after all.  We don't know, do we, what waits around the corners?

I'd like to say something defiantly optimistic or cleverly insightful about living in between, waiting.  All I can say is this: I am human, living with so many emotions from day to day.  I can't control them, can't make the hard ones go away, can't make the sweet ones stay.  All I can do is feel them and know that this is what being human is -- a vulnerable openness, a daily unknowing, a frightening and beautiful unfolding.


  1. Congratulations! He looks big and healthy (how much did he weigh?) and you look lovely.

    Last week, a mommy friend from TX defiantly posted on Facebook that all the child locks were going away in her house and that there would be no more babies. And I had to laugh at the illusion of control over that sort of thing. We can plan all we want, but childbearing, as with so many things in life, is subject to such a variety of forces - biological, environmental, spiritual, emotional - that any notion we have some control over it is just downright foolish.

  2. Valerie,
    As always, your words move me. I can SO relate to this post. You will make a wonderful aunt.

  3. I am right there with you, sweetie. Thank you for sharing, as I go through this at least once a week. You may feel like you are frozen by fear, but you are mobilizing others like me to embrace exactly where I'm at, regardless of what that looks like.

  4. A moving Post... congrats on the birth of your beautiful Nephew, he has a very special Auntie.

    Dawn... The Bohemian

  5. @ Amy B - he's a healthy, hearty one - weighed in at over 8 lbs.

    And thanks for all the congratulations and empathy. It's not always easy for me to share these sort of bittersweet feelings, but I do it, because I know there are others out there going through similar things - and I want them to know they're not alone, and that life is still beautiful anyway.

  6. Thank you for your words of Peace during our Family's difficult time.

    Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian