I wanted to have some gorgeous blog magic for you this week, but life didn't play along. I spent the weekend out in the country without internet access. It's late Monday night and I'm thoroughly discombobulated.
Much has been rumbling around in my head the last month related to writing and the pursuit of publication -- questions, doubts, and floundering. I've written many partial blog posts, but I'm still processing, not sure how to say it all or even if I want to say it all.
In the end it is this: I have been paralyzed with fear.
It's something I should not perhaps admit. I could put on a jolly face and say this thing of following dreams is all yellow brick roads, snow globes, and hot air balloon rides. But I don't believe in donning fake bravado like a mask. And I don't believe it makes me less of a person, or worse of an artist for that matter, to have moments of weakness.
I could explain the reasons for my fears -- most ridiculous and irrational, some perfectly reasonable. But the reasons don't matter, because I have come to the point of choice. Do I choose to keep drowning here? Or do I swim for shore?
On Friday night, I saw this lovely journal in Book People. It had the word Fearless printed in gold letters along with a fierce, tribal, floral vintage collage of a woman and it instantly touched a chord. I wanted to buy it (and still should) just to track my queries in, just to defiantly claim that fearless spirit for my own.
I may not ever be fearless, but I've decided not to let fear stop me. It's time to carry on.
I really love to visit your blog! I know the feeling of fear very well if a new door of life has to be opened or another has to be closed! I really hate me for this nature, but it helps not to run in open knifes. But I fully support you in saying "No, fear is not allowed to control me" Sometimes hard - but possible ;-)
ReplyDeleteCheers, Eri (www.unserekleinefarm-erika.blogspot.com)
I think most artists have to battle fear at some point. In the past, and sometimes still, I suffer from what I call "imposter syndrome" always worried someone will think I am not qualified to be, painting, designing, art directing, web marketing, etc. I struggle with lack of confidence...but usually ended up getting on my own nerves and finally saying enough! I have just as much right as anyone else to express myself...so go for it. I totally enjoy reading your work..both your blog and your fiction...so my two cents are keep going!!
ReplyDeleteI think you are so brave for finding the time to admit that fear has been holding you back. For me, I mask fear by convincing myself that I have to complete steps 4,5, and 6 before I can get on to pursuing what I really want. Then, I notice those (perhaps less ambitious or even less skilled) who rush past me and get exactly what they decided they wanted because they didn't take time to THINK as much as I did. I make the excuse that not connecting with the right person or not having enough money is what's holding me back..when really, all it is is FEAR> boo!!! :) The best and worst thing about being an artist is that there is no formula for producing art worthy of recognition and in your case publication. No matter how many classes or seminars or network meetings we attend, we still have that which is the art and the desire to create the art. Fear paralyzes that spontaneous energy necessary for kick ass creative work. All the energy rushes to our head and we spend the weeks thinking about what to do next. I myself, am too careful at times. So, thank you for writing this post because it is a good reminder to all of us that while we may never be completely fearless, we are responsible for what fear can do to our artistic process and PROGRESS.
ReplyDeleteThanks Eri, Victoria and Clementine for the commiserating and encouraging thoughts!
ReplyDeleteClementine, I utterly love this line: The best and worst thing about being an artist is that there is no formula for producing art worthy of recognition.
It reminds me that I'm somehow looking for a pat on the head, an anointment, a validation, when I should just be doing the work.
Being afraid comes with the writer package. Being paralyzed by fear also happens from time to time to all of us.
ReplyDeleteSo many people will trash your writing. It is normal to not expose yourself so you don't risk getting hurt, and you will get hurt.
The validation? In my opinion, pats on the back are just as important as positive criticism. But people in our area have such a thick skin because of the constant rejection process that sometimes they forget to praise good work.
Praises might come, but you can't count on them. In the end it is you and the trust you have in your talent. Hold on to that and move forward.
@Natalie - Natalie, thanks for the insightful comment. I love where you say "in the end it is you and the trust you have in your talent". I think that is so true - maybe not even trusting in my talent, but my passion, my desire, my ability to get my writing where it needs to be eventually. I think it's trusting in my inner leading. It can be hard with so many voices in my head!
ReplyDeletethat journal looks wonderful. I am in a place where I am toying with fearlessness. There really is no other option.
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