Will is crying. He is hungry. And I know it.
But it takes me a few minutes to get things arranged to feed him and in the meantime his cry escalates. Louder. Grating.
"I'm here, mama's here," I say over and over. "I'm here. I'm always gonna be here. I'm always gonna take care of you," I say.
But he doesn't understand my words. The only thing he understands is my breast. He hasn't yet learned to trust me. It's a process. He cries and I respond. Someday he will know, know me, that I am a safe haven.
And this is when I think this is how it is, has always been with God and me, God and his children. He is always there.
I have spent so many years, crying like a child, wondering where he is, not seeing him, when he's been there all along, saying "I'm here, I'm never going to leave you, I'll always be here to take care of you." I just couldn't hear him.
Or, like Will, you just didn't understand the ways he was trying to assure you he was there.
ReplyDeleteBeing a parent has also given me a new perspective on our relationship with our Father - and you know I've never been very "churchy."
Someday you'll be able to grab him and "pop a squat" wherever you are to feed him - no accessories needed. But I remember those days of grabbing the nursing pillow and a glass of water and a burp cloth and getting the nursing bra unlatched.
He'll know soon. For every a month now, Graham searches out my face whenever someone else is holding him and he locks eyes and won't look away until he's physically turned away. It wasn't that way with Gideon, just because it took me awhile to bond with him. So this is new and wonderful to me...it's coming your way soon!
"For over a month now..."
DeleteSweet Val, I never understood how God loves me until I had Spence. And the overwhelming knowledge that he cares for me like I cared for that little baby was so amazing. I hadn't ever talked with anyone about that, it is neat that you had the same thoughts too.
ReplyDeleteHave been thinking of you, so proud of how you are evolving into your mommyhood. It is ever changing, but just amazing at every stage. And you will never forget this wonderful, exhausting, confusing and absolutely singular time you have now with Will being yours.
Hugs! Sandy Wilhelm
What a profound and insightful Post my Friend..., and so very true.
ReplyDeleteBlessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian
Valerie,
ReplyDeleteyour words are so true! I'm almost 26 weeks along myself and really benefitted from hearing your words today!
Beautiful reminder, V - Really needed to read that this morning. It's true, momma's here, and God is here for us always.. we just have to trust that the thing we need most will arrive when we really need it and it always will. So proud of you, miss you bunches, and learning so much from you!
ReplyDelete