The Mama Letters
Everyone says the first two weeks with a newborn are the hardest. I don't know yet whether they are right. We are only just now heading on three weeks with little Will. But it has been hard. Very hard.
I don't do well with sleep deprivation. This is one unfortunate thing I've learned about myself! But I'm trying, trying to not get worked up about it, to let each day be a little better than the last, to learn to sleep while he sleeps - which everyone dictatorially commands me to do (ah, sounds so easy doesn't it?).
One of the things I've struggled with are images that have seeped into my mind from mommy blogs I've been reading the last 9 months. Blogs where women with babies actually get out of the house. And cook. And do crafts. And throw parties. And have time to blog about it, apparently. And take photos. Blogs where pretty women dressed in pretty clothes with pretty hair and makeup pose with pretty babies in pretty settings.
I have not one pretty photo of me holding my baby (yet). I don't have time to get pretty every day or even on rare days. And it's not just about pretty - it's about the idea of having time to document motherhood and babyhood in some sort of creative, meaningful, pretty way. I haven't yet had that time (until today). Or any time I took to do it would be time I wouldn't be sleeping, resulting in even more late night madness.
And this discrepancy, between my reality, and what I thought was possible based on peering into other people's lives through their blogs, has been difficult for me. It's made me wonder if I'm somehow different, deficient, less skilled, less energetic, less motivated, etc. Even though I know it's probably not true! That I'm normal!
It's made me wonder if I should stop blogging altogether. Or stop reading blogs altogether. To forget this artificial view into people's lives, to stop giving myself too much opportunity for comparison to pretty fantasies and selected realities.
But I've decided on the opposite. I will lean into this feeling, I will dig in with honesty. I will share what it's really been like instead. I will write my own version of The Mama Letters and post them here when I am able.
p.s. Will is gorgeous. I adore him. He's worth every moment of late night madness. He's already putting on chub and growing inches and I am sad to be slowly losing my newborn...