Back in the real world

Well, I'm back... from pretty much what I anticipate might be the most amazing trip of my life - although you never know what the future holds.  I've spent the last two weeks on the Big Island of Hawai'i where I've seen volcanoes and turtles and whales and mountain summits and lizards and mongooses and waves and a mai tai or two.  And amazingly managed not to get my pale self sunburned. 

I had imagined myself writing the whole trip and journaling and exercising and being productive but I went into a coma of deep relaxation.  I haven't been that relaxed in a long, long time. I've been working non-stop for the last thirteen years, so this is as close to a sabbatical as I've gotten.

And now here I come... back to the real world again.  I'm ready for it - to get back into routine - to stop living out of a suitcase, to cease the bloat of vacation eating, to start writing again, and to get my house back in order.

But I still feel a bit unfocused.  Normally at this time of year, I have a strong sense of what I'm aiming for.  I admit to being a little aimless at the moment.  I have to get my writing momentum back.  I'm not sure what I'm doing with my blog.  And the specter of my health issues is still hanging around my head.

I've started a three month course of Lupron Depot shots for my endometriosis and I'm dreading some of the potential side effects like hot flashes and mood swings, while hoping they just won't hit me that bad.  And then there's the question of whether or not I'll take a stab at IVF after that.  I don't know how I feel about it yet for a variety of reasons - health, ethical, stress, etc.  (And please everyone - for now don't flood me with your thoughts and experiences with IVF yet, as much as I appreciate that!  There are so many opinions out there - I just need to sort this one out on my own at the moment.)  But it's really weighing on me.  I had always dreamed of a super simple pregnancy experience that came naturally from a loving marriage - the sort of tada, surprise, oh yay! experience - not being a science experiment.  It's hard to come to grips with the loss of that - whether we choose IVF or adoption, or not having children, it's still a loss of that dream I'd always hoped for.

So at the moment, my horizons feel a little cloudy, but maybe they'll clear up once I do all my vacation laundry and restock my refrigerator.