5/24/18

A tiny awakening of hope



Man, I feel like I’m going through a lot of transformation but not straightforward, not visible or obvious.

I’ve shifted after this miscarriage. In January, I was going through hard things, but I was optimistic. I was tender-hearted towards God - making an effort to be hopeful, surrendered to him, trust him. I did my morning devotionals every day, prayed every day. My relationship with God was my lifeline through a tough time. 

Imagine my surprise when, after having this miscarriage, I felt distant from God. Not wanting to talk to him, to read the Bible, to listen to Christian music. It felt like touching a wound. I wanted to avoid it.

A wound? A wound? So I’ve felt wounded by God. It’s not logical, it’s not where I want to be, but it’s how I’ve felt.

The first miscarriage I had was like a gateway into deeper trust of God. Still hard, but I felt this deep grace and peace. So I thought this second time would be a cakewalk. I’d already been through it, right? 

But no. I didn’t feel grace and peace. I felt… distance. I felt like I’d been betrayed. I just wanted to be alone. 

Here I am, five weeks after the physical miscarriage. Nine weeks after I found out there was no heartbeat. And I’ve been surviving just fine. I’m not crying every day. I’m not sitting around struggling with this or overthinking. But I’m still distant. That optimistic, hopeful, striving for the light part of me just seems to have disappeared.

In its place is a more pragmatic person - not necessarily pessimistic or cynical or hateful or angry (well, I’m occasionally angry) or bitter (well, I’m occasionally bitter). I’m just pragmatic - like “okay, this is life. Life is hard. I’m a survivor, I’m going to make it and do the best I can with what I’ve got.” It’s not the worst place to be, but it’s not where I want to be - a place of hope, saying “Life is beautiful, life is a gift. I’m so grateful to be here. I want to go deep in God’s will. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.” 

The last month I’ve been deep diving into changes I want to make in my life, and I really DO want those changes so bad. They aren’t necessarily heart changes, more like lifestyle changes. But I’m realizing these lifestyle changes actually require heart changes - a lot. And it’s hard for me to come at these changes out of a place of dark energy. I need the right mindset to do it. But I don’t have it. It’s just not there. 

I don’t want to BE the person I am right now. And I think, "I have the choice. I can change. I can change what I think about, focus on my beliefs and the positive.” And I think maybe this is my fault and I need to push through this wall. 

But, but, I wonder.

I wonder if where I’m at is where I should be. I wonder if this is part of grief - the after shocks, the slow healing of the wound. And I wonder if it’s my western culture that makes me think I should just bounce back, be healed NOW, go back to normal life like nothing happened. "I’ve got things to do and places to be, I can’t afford to slow down.”

Why am I trying to heal on a timeline? Why can’t I just accept this tired, heavy place I’m in and just rest and allow healing to unfold when its time? Part of it is being scared I will be stuck here - that this darkness will be a permanent shift I won’t come back from. 

Maybe, maybe, just seeing all this, just writing these words is part of that unfolding of healing. 

This morning I turned on Christian radio (something I haven’t been able to listen to in awhile) and there was the song with the words “I have resurrection power living inside me, Jesus you have given me freedom”. And something in me flickered in response. I have resurrection power living inside me. 

This story isn’t over yet.


A tiny awakening of hope. I’ll take it.

1 comment:

  1. This is such a beautiful, honest response to grief. I think God loves our honesty and can work with that--when we pretend everything's fine, we put up a wall and block him out. Praying for you...

    ReplyDelete