Sunday, November 11, 2012
A goodbye of sorts
On notice: This blog is in slow decline. Might as well be official about it. I realize I don't need to announce anything to anyone, I can just let it fade away, but I'm the sort of person who needs closure.
It's been a looooong time coming, but a hard decision to reach because I am a writer at heart. I always have the urge to put things into words, but it's been tugging at me, this feeling that blogging is more of a minus than a plus.
Since becoming a mom, my free time is precious - it's hard to choose where to spend it and blogging doesn't make it high on the list. But, it's not just about time, I've been conflicted about blogging for awhile now. I feel like it brings me down.
There is the contrast between my early hopes of blogging - the success I might have and the community I might find - with the reality that unless I worked my bootie off round the clock this blog was never going to be much more than a grab bag personal journal.
There is the comparison it invites to other bloggers - who are more fashionable, with better photos, better projects, more time, apparently, leaving me to wonder how in the world some people do it and others (like me) just can't manage it.
There is the growing discomfort I feel with baring my soul publicly. I have always been a diarist, and blogging has been a fun way to do so electronically and share things I thought others might benefit from, but lately it seems I keep writing post after post and saving them as drafts that never get published. I am afraid of exposing too much or blabbing on about things no one else cares to read anyway, like that person at a party who talks too much about themselves.
There is the sensation of loneliness. I write a post and realize what I really want is to sit in a room full of girlfriends and talk about it, not post it out into the anonymous world of the internet. Maybe what I need is not a blog, but more face to face time in the "real" world.
And last but not least is the weird way blogging takes me out of the present moment, like living life while looking in a mirror - too busy looking in the mirror to take in the scenery. I just want to live my life. I don't ever want to think again - I need to take pictures of this so I can put on my blog! I don't want to think of myself as a brand. And I don't want to look at my life and think - it's too dull, it's too boring - just because it's boring for a blog. I don't want to think that I need to do more interesting things so I'll have a more interesting blog. Pah! And Phoowie (heck, how do you spell that?) on that! I want to live my life for ME, not for anonymous readers. And blogging has a way of twisting that.
So, this is a goodbye of sorts.
I can't bring myself to just quit cold turkey (yet) and shut down the blog and never post again, but I'm at least going lukewarm turkey. If I post, it won't be often. I'm going to shut down most of my associated social media profiles and I'm considering turning it into a purely family blog or a private blog restricted to only readers I give access, freeing me up to go in more personal directions. I don't know yet.
But if you've been reading my blog and really want to keep in touch, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll send you a Facebook invite or something...
Now, life is calling. Let's all go live it, shall we?
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.