Finally a chilly overcast fall day. I walk through the neighborhood with Will in the Beco carrier I've been using more lately. He likes to get out, to walk. It eases his afternoon fussiness. And oh boy, is he fussy this afternoon. Not enough sleep last night. Not enough naps today. He's been rubbing his eyes a lot and they're red. It's hard for me, but I hate to see it be hard for him.
I like looking at the houses, seeing individual expressions of humanity in the messy yards overgrown with weeds, the neatly landscaped simple lawns, the lush tropical plants, the odd ones, the quirky ones, filled with lawn statues of giraffes and angels, the boxes of old trophies in the driveway to be disposed of, and I quite enjoy the open garages that are jam packed full of stuff, disorganized and random. These garages are a relief to me, to know there are others out there with garages of shame, like mine. Ha!
It is the same sort of relief I feel when I visit the Baby Center forum for teaching your baby or toddler how to sleep. I read the posts and feel not alone. I read the posts and think my situation is not, perhaps so bad. It is a voyeuristic exercise, one I can conduct at a distance instead of making such comparisons with family and friends.
Today I went to Target. Inside my cart was a prohibitively expensive baby video monitor (ugh), two tabloid magazines (what really IS going on with Emily and Jef with one 'f'' anyways?), a bag of Cheezits, a bottle of red wine, ear plugs, and a cute fuzzy monkey hat for my little monkey. I finally bought the video monitor because we will be sleep training - and soon - thus the ear plugs. The red wine seemed like a good idea. In moderation of course. Along with Cheezits and tabloid magazines. Such are salves for the soul in hard times.
I wish I could be pragmatic and calm about it all, like those exemplary French women in Bringing Up Bebe, which I've been reading at night on the iPad while nursing. They taunt me, those French women. But no, I'm a neurotic American. I'm going to do it, yes. Because I think sometimes something's got to give. Because I think it's going to be alright. Because I think it's for the best - for all of us, bebe included. But gosh darn it if my heart doesn't ache a little at the prospect.