I was talking to my mother on the phone the other day, blabbing incessantly about pregnancy and how at the beginning I was counting down to the second trimester, so I could relax and not be so anxious. And now I'm counting down to the 20 week sonagram. And after that I'll be counting down to Christmas and then counting down to the due date.
And my wise mother said something like "That's life, a series of countdowns."
And I knew she was right. Because after the baby's born, I'm sure I'll have a whole new set of countdowns I haven't even put on the map yet.
This struck me with a fresh clarity. Why is it that I can't just be here now? In this space? In this moment? Why am I so eager to jump ahead?
There is something about pregnancy that is a bit anxiety-provoking - for some women at least. You feel as if in a sense your baby isn't "safe" until they're out! Which is ridiculous, because this is how we're designed. It's the safest place in the world at this moment. It's more that life isn't "safe" not for any of us, not really, not ever. And the only way to get over the anxiety is to find some way to just live with that fact, instead of thinking that there is some safety zone out there somewhere. Or some happiness zone. Or some ideal life zone.
Part of me wonders if it's just part of my nature, my personality - to always be looking ahead - should I accept that? Or is it a flawed way of walking through life?
I'm not really sure. But I know, in this time, I want to take a little breath, quit hurrying and try to enjoy where I'm at just a little bit longer.