New things: Introduction to Crochet

Sunday night I was dreaming about crochet.  Maybe because I spent 3 hours that day sitting in a class learning "Introductory Crochet" at The Stitch Lab.

It was a fun class.  Small - only four of us, with our devoted, patient instructor Vickie Howell, who was a dream.  We learned to chain, do single crochet and double crochet.  I think I've got it all in my memory banks. But it still hasn't settled in my fingers yet.  I plan on practicing a little bit every night this week to try to get better and start creating some muscle memory.

So I have no complaints about the class - but a few about myself!

New things as therapy?

I was nervous about the class.  I thought I was nervous because I'm not the most coordinated person, and I'm not very good at seeing things in 3D and how they fit. Truth is, I wasn't very good at that.  But I can get better with patience and perseverance.

But I realize there may be a deeper reason. Towards the end of the class, I was feeling frustrated.  I felt as if I was the worst in our class, way behind everyone else, and as if I must appear to have the brains of a lentil.  I was close to tears a few times. This reaction bothered me because the rational side of myself knew it was ridiculous. 

It wasn't the idea that it took me longer than everyone else to learn or that I would have to spend days practicing before getting a feel for it.  It was the idea that I was failing in front of other people.  If I would have been alone it would have been frustrating, but in this context I felt ashamed.

Why? I don't know. What I do know is that this holds me back.  It's held me back all my life.  This fear, doubt, embarrassment, lack of confidence, perfectionism.

And this is why I'm trying new things.  It's not just to learn to crochet.  It's to build daring and courage and confidence and patience and perseverance - one small step at a time.

p.s. Monday night I persevered and after one false start I double-crocheted a cozy for my camera (which was the project we were supposed to do in the class).  The movements started to feel more natural and after awhile I wasn't even counting stitches or consciously thinking it through.  I was so excited!